“I remember when
I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.”
I am overwhelmed right now; my business is doing well, I have a fulfilling and part-time job, I'm doing intense therapy, and I'm working on repairing all my interpersonal relationships to learn to love myself right now. Yet and still, I am overwhelmed.
My emotions are everywhere. I am not used to this type of forward movement without it being followed by immediate and constant self-sabotage, which I am not doing for once in a very long time. But the problem is, I honestly can’t tell. I have not historically had a trustworthy relationship with my brain. I need a break, but I can't take one right now because of the things happening in my life; I have people whose livelihoods depend on me. I have commitments I need to honor daily. I have clients. I have a life. I am afraid. I am afriad of disappointing people. I am afraid of disappointing myself. I can’t tell the difference between my own jdugement or echo of how i perceive people are judging me.
If I could take a break, I know where I would go. Herrick Hospital in Berkeley, yes, you guessed it, the psych ward. When I was about 29, I went for suicidal ideation because I felt like I had failed myself at this point and didn't see how I could continue like this. I was already diagnosed with bipolar, but this was a particularly low point despite that knowledge. I had gone as far as possible at my retail job and was roommates with my little brother. I no longer saw the potential in myself that I always had heard about.
When I went to Herrick, I was despondent (thanks Mariah) and not excited that I could not care for myself. 6 days later, I didn't want to leave. After getting over the initial shock of not having a mirror and having to cut the elastic out of my lace front (I don't know how the fuck they thought I could harm myself that way), I became so comfortable in a relatively short amount of time. During my stay at Herrick, I went to group therapy which I actually enjoyed because I felt less alone and free of judgment. Like I made actual friends. I got to color all day long, we did puppy therapy which is exactly what it sounds like playing on the floor with a bunch of puppies, and I learned how to play solitaire. I was chilling; there were odd moments, like when my roommate sat straight up in bed and sang X-Factor in her sleep. Or when that weird boy stared at me from across the room for 10 minutes with minimal blinking. But there were great moments, too, like when I met a historian from one of my favorite biopics (I won't say which one because of privacy) and convinced him to end his hunger strike against the nurses so they wouldn't make him stay longer. Or when one of us would break down and group and how we supported each other, or when one of us left, we would sneak a hug behind the door (there was a no contact rule) while the other person was on the lookout. Whenever I get overwhelmed, I want to go back, like it’s a day camp for emotionally unstable adults.
I know that this isn’t the norm, and most people have horrific experiences with what passes for mental health care. Maybe because it’s in Berkeley, CA, there was a softer and more holistic approach to mental health there. Or maybe I’m crazy. It’s both. But I quite literally don’t have time to be crazy right now. But there are some things I can do outside those hospital walls (no, they weren’t padded) that they either taught me or reintroduced me to. And it goes a little something like this:
Art Therapy: Ok, so Art Therapy was really just us coloring adult coloring book pages with dull colored pencils (no sharp items, remember), but that shit relaxed me so much, and they never made us stop; you could color during group, and it wasn’t deemed disrespectful. So I will order a coloring book because I’ve moved a few times since this stay and can’t find mine or my colored pencils. If you have a suggestion for a good one, let me know in the comments.
Grippy Socks: I don’t know if it’s nostalgia or if they are more comfortable and functional, but I loved the grippy socks from the hospital. So much so that I bought a few packs from Amazon here.
Solitare: Not confinement, the card game. There can be a lot of downtime between checking in with nurses, individual therapy, group therapy, and group therapy again… I now have an app on my phone. I have literally played thousands of games of solitaire.
Time Blocking: One practical tool they taught me I forgot about was time blocking. It’s taking a piece of paper and planning every minute of your day one hour block at a time. It helps to create a healthy routine, and I think the idea is if you are busy, you won't have time to be depressed. Makes sense. One of these days, I will release a planner for women like us, which will incorporate time blocking.
Mindful Breathing Techniques: I forgot the specific patterns that reduce anxiety. Thank God for the insight timer app, but breathing exercises when I’m anxious help me a lot.
Supportive Group Therapy: Y’all are the support group baby (Beyonce voice). No, honestly, I am so much more forthcoming about my mental health that everyone in my life supports me. That’s not the norm; I just now decided to make a Facebook group for black women’s mental health. You can join: Here. It helps to talk to someone else. The loneliness makes it worse.
Daily Walks: Once you got stable and proved you weren’t gonna run away (remember some people were there against their will), you could go on a group walk around the hospital campus with one of the staff members. Listen, Vitamin D is for dopamine, and while I don’t require as much sun as what’s available in this current climate. When I have a routine that involves a morning walk, I feel like I have my shit together, and the rest of my day may not be perfect, but I feel accomplished early on.
Medication/Supplements At The Same Time: I am not a medical professional, and I am being lazy because I don’t feel like looking it up right now, but I know there has to be some kind of science behind taking your prescribed meds and supplements every day at the same time.
The things I listed may seem insignificant, but they hella help, and sometimes I need to remember that hence me writing this blog post. At the end of the day, I think it’s important to remind ourselves we have more control over our minds than we think we do, and hopefully, this helps someone. I still want to go back like right now, but my business and all my progress will be jeopardized. But tomorrow I’ll go for a walk outside.
Try these out, and let me know if you’re doing any of them or thinking about them. I like talking to y’all. Have a blessed day wherever you are. Peace out.
Beautiful, brave, and healing. I needed to read this today 🙏🏾💗
Thank you for your honesty. Too often we all shy away from talking about mental health or actual practical tips to help (Im sick of the Have You Made Your Bed? Have You Tried Yoga? Have You Tried Thinking Positively?)
So thank you. ❤️